Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
