im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
