seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize