Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
smell my finger.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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