If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
