why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
