i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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