did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
