just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
