I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
