apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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