I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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