The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
