you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
