Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
