I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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