My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I think my moral compass just broke
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
