You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
