Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
