i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
