Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
