I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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