I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Holy shit dude........stairs
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
