I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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