I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
farters have to be the big spoon...
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
