Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
