Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
