If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
