don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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