I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
