I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
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like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
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He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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