Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
