hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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