Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
