I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
