Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
