Why are handjobs necessary in class?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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