I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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