Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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