i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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