If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
