I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
