Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
even my farts smell like vagina
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
