In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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