Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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