Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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