fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
