If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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