i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
