i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He passed out mid-signature
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
