I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
