I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
