she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
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She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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