Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
