That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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