Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
