my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
