We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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