he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Text me some of your sweat
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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