Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Swine flu is the new snow day.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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