i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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