i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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