the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
