3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
