I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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